It’s August 2014 and it’s safe to say that I’m on the other side of a heartbreak that took me YEARS to occasionally forget. The body is adaptive in that way—protective. It smooths the edges of what once felt impossible and so piercingly sharp. But every once and again a residual truth will surface and I’ll realize there’s more to go—small mountains still to move and the weight of that can press me for a moment. Sometimes the moments pass quickly and sometimes they linger.
I feel it most acutely in routine grocery store trips. That’s weird, right? By standing in an aisle, sorting through my very short grocery list for my small family, the lighting is always so harsh, and the people around usually seem to have more of a purpose than me.
In the years of smoothing the edges my perception and hopes and what I want for my life shifted. Somewhere from within the tangle of that particular heartbreak I stopped trusting that good things do in fact…occur. To other people, surely. But not to me.
It’s so ridiculous, right? Just saying it out loud, it’s so ridiculous. But it’s also true. And what I’m realizing is that I’ve been toting around this particular truth for far too long, totally unaware. Meaning, I’ve let it be true. A self fulfilled prophecy.
But maybe it’s the last threshold. The last little bit to cross.
Because just to give voice to that truth is to dismantle it. To somehow make it less true or to understand that it’s been only me being ridiculous to myself. Making it less important and more part of the past–and the mountains get smaller and the miles less dense.
So I move quickly through grocery stores because after all it’s just food and I can put just as much effort in a meal for 2 as I could for 3.