When I was eighteen I fell in love with a man who would go on to become the father of my child. When I first met him I was struck by the clarity I could see my future. The future felt so good and clear with that love.
Three years later (after our son’s 1st birthday) it was as if the future and love had become slightly out of focus.
So this is a little ditty about growing, loving and maturing as a single mom accepting the unfocused future.
Jaxson was 3 by the time I earned my bachelor degree. I was 2 years into the single parent balancing act. I felt as if the bachelor degree that I held was now the golden ticket to a life. A life set up in my head by 2 goals.
There are things you cannot learn in school and with each passing year these 2 goals evolved by all the things along the way.
Goal #1: A home. This meant a mortgage because that is what you did as a parent. Right? You own a home and that’s what gives your child a childhood to remember.
Redefining: I am still not a home owner. But my child is growing up in a home I created in a rental. I have no want to be a plumber, an electrician or a water heater installer. So why not continue to rent from my landlord who jumps through hoops for me when I call? It’s still a home.
I’ve learned along the way to get over it by getting out of the way and letting life happen. So in the meantime, Jaxson is growing up in a rental being loved unconditionally
Goal #2: (deep sigh) Love. A love from a man for Jaxson and I as his family.
Redefining: I haven’t found a love that lasts. And so this is redefined quite frequently. I’ve had my heart broken and broken another’s heart. Each time I turn around with love I face plant into an abrupt brick wall out of no where. But I still want love. I want love because I am human.
I’ve learned along the way to get over it by getting out of the way and letting life happen. Accepting love from my family and life long friendships as enough. As if they are my family’s love story.
Continuing on is what I’ve learned along the way. Investing in my worth and my son’s happiness rather than a piece of paper I received from a university. Also, to believe in the face of overwhelming doubt. Because the heart is the human story and that is the one thing along the way to follow.